A lot has happened in my life since my last post 8 months ago... While this might be a long-ish post, I'm not going to be able to share everything but figured for those few of you who are still out there checking in I'd let you know what is going on, although I think many of you do know. But, if one person finds my blog and it helps them, awesome!
As many of you know from my last 6 years of posts, I like my wine. I followed 85-90% of the rules with the lapband / RNY surgery, but giving up alcohol wasn't one of them. I cut back, but not enough. And after not listening to my doctors and NP's, I ended up putting myself into an outpatient recovery program for alcohol, and I'm happy to say I'm sober 5 months as of today.
Now let's be clear. WLS was NOT the cause of my problem. I've been drinking for 25 years, and at the rate I was going I was bound to end up having an issue. However, the surgery in June 2014 to RNY solidified that "issue" and really moved it along. I didn't believe my doctor when he told me after the surgery that I couldn't drink. Period. That my body wouldn't metabolize it, and I would really get in trouble (in more ways than one)... I wish I had, but I didn't. And I continued to drink.
The perfect storm of events really started happening spring of last year. Work was getting crazy (who's job isn't?!?!), I was drinking more and more, and even though I have an amazing life, something was missing. I drank steadily through the summer, but in August I just got tired. I am thankful that I don't have a big "story" about my bottom. After a number of really shitty weeks, I woke up August 6th at 5:15am, and after drinking (really bad) wine the night before and was at my bottom. I'd had enough.
Dennis was scared, the kids were noticing more and more, work was starting to be impacted, I was exhausted ALL. THE. TIME. and all I could think about was drinking. It was the first thing I thought about in the morning (usually berating myself for drinking too much) and then all I thought about all day.
I had my annual WLS appointment that afternoon, and when my NP saw me, she LOST HER SHIT on me. Mind you, I've been honest with her all along that I was still drinking (and how much). Thank God. Thank God she cared enough. She threatened to put me in the hospital, called my bullshit, and basically did an intervention with Dennis watching right there. One of the scariest days of my life. The next day, I went for an intake at a rehab facility here in Richmond. OMG. So many emotions come flooding back, but suffice it to say I don't wish this disease on anyone.
They were ready to take me into an outpatient program that day. I made excuses why I couldn't. (I refused to consider inpatient, although it might not have been a bad thing for me). Although I was exhausted, and desperately wanted help I just wasn't ready. And honestly, I was terrified. Wine was my best friend. I didn't want to lose my best friend.
So I white knuckled it and went cold turkey by myself for 30 days.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT TO ANYONE!
Right before Labor Day, I summoned up the courage (bolstered by some subtle threats from people who loved me), and started this Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). 8 weeks, 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I managed it while I was working. And I can honestly say the program saved my life.
About 60% of the way through the program, I ended up in the hospital for 6 days because of side effects of drinking... I had a perforated ulcer (most likely caused in part by my drinking, but exacerbated from my switch from wine to coffee... I was over 100 oz a day of coffee that first 30 days). And up until I ended up there, I'll be honest - I was sober, and committed to the program, but I also was still trying to figure out how I would drink again one day. I was sure there was a way I could "just have one"... yeah right. Thankfully, that hospital stay turned that thinking around. It was terrifying. The physical possibilities that they shared with me, the 17 IV's I had to have, the 2 MRI's, the CT scans, the not knowing.
And the conversations with God.
To him.
From him.
Thankfully I had ears to hear, and was able to turn my thinking around.
I can honestly say that since I was released, I haven't thought about how I can drink again. I miss it, no lie. But now I think about how I'll stay sober each day, just for that day.
At any rate, I finished out the outpatient program right before Thanksgiving. And I had planned to start the 12 week follow up program (which is only 1 hour a week), but then I ended up in the hospital AGAIN. This time for an internal hernia. Thankfully, this was only an outpatient surgery and I was back to work and my routine within a week.
BUT... my routines are different now. I am definitely learning how to live life without Alcohol (and caffeine - I'll get into that later). I'll be honest - it is hard. But, I'm learning to live a new life - and I've been experiencing lots of "firsts"
- This was my first sober Thanksgiving and Christmas (they were great)
- I've learned how to cook sober (and I realized I'm still not a great cook)
- I'm experiencing the joys of parenthood sober (and also experiencing the not-so-fun-parts)
- So many other good and different things
So in December, I finally got up the courage to go to an AA meeting. I got my white chip. I wish I had done it sooner, but I'm realizing that things are happening in this journey when they are supposed to. And now I have a white chip (first day), a silver chip (30 days) and a red chip (90 days). And very soon, I will get to pick up my green chip (for 6 months). I can't wait!
It's a whole new life. I'm excited about it. I feel like my joy is back. I'm happy again. I can see more clearly in so many ways. And I'm grateful. There is so much I want to share with other people but it will happen in due time...
For now, I leave you with this... if you have had WLS, please know that transfer addictions (even 6 years out) are VERY real.
And if you are struggling with drinking? Get help. It's out there. You don't have to do it alone. You can be happy again!
Thank you to everyone in my family, and all of my friends who have been so amazingly supportive in this journey - I couldn't have done it without you!
WLS update: Currently weighing in around 167 - picture above is my highest size pants which were a size 28, and I'm in a size 12 pants now, 8 dresses, and SMALL shirts. Wow.
Finally, I think the focus of this blog may change, since my journey has changed. I think that I might take this blog down a different path along this recovery journey. I hope you continue on it with me!
