I mentioned in my last post that I'm on bed rest... 6 weeks and 3 1/2 more days of it tops... Not that I'm counting or anything! It's interesting, this whole "rest" thing. I don't do it well. The first day I was finally feeling good enough to be downstairs, I started making my list of all the things that I can do from the couch, because I should be doing SOMETHING, right?!?!? (What am I thinking???)... I will give myself credit though, I (as much as possible) have been taking it easy and following doctor's orders. Trust me - between Dennis, my mom and my (wonderful) friends fussing at me, I know better than to push it!
Sit/Laying on the couch or in bed. Actually going upstairs to take a nap at 10:30 because I'm tired. Letting Mom cook dinner EVERY night...and she has a cold and isn't feeling great herself. But boy, it is hard to let go of the control! And to let others help me. I am so type-A, that even the smallest things that are out of "routine" for me cause me to shudder... but, each day it's gotten a bit easier. Thankfully, my Mom is here and able to help out as long and as much as we need it. What a great gift! So, I am trying to make each day count and focus on my "new" (for the next 6 weeks) job, as a nurse reminded me, which is to make sure I stay quiet so that baby boy cooks as long as possible.
As for the letting people help, I want too. I really do, because I know how much I want to help people when they need it. But it is hard to be on the receiving end and just accept what is being offered, and know there is no expectation or need to pay it back. Because some day, I will be able to pay it forward - either to them, or someone else. I thankfully have most of what I need, and have definitely have asked and continue to ask for prayers... Here is my struggle - I somehow think I don't deserve the help - there are so many people out there who really NEED help. I'm just inconvenienced if that makes sense... but, I am trying really hard to let people help and to come up with ways when they ask. So, I said yes to someone bringing me lunch today, and it was delicious! And the 5 minutes of visiting was perfect. And I am saying yes to other little things where I can, and will continue to do so. Even though subconsciously I struggle with letting that "yes, you could help" or "yes, that would be wonderful" out of my mouth. Why is it that we try so hard to do it all ourselves???
Lucia has had a few hard weeks. Even before I went on bedrest, she was struggling with the whole concept of all of the sudden having to share us with a sibling. I wish I could do more for her, but maybe it is a good lesson... At least I am still at home and can still snuggle with her - I'd be devastated if I couldn't do that. She was having a really hard time over the weekend and blurted out "He's ruining everything! I don't want anything to change! I just want things to be like they used to be!" and my gut response to her was "I agree. Me too." I think I absolutely shocked her. And I felt guilty for admitting to feeling that way! Because while I know that he isn't ruining everything, he IS changing things. IN A BIG WAY! And I am hoping that the change we weren't ready to have happen BEFORE he arrives is actually going to help us after he arrives. I hope. I found this quote below, which kind of sums it all up... (remember the Wonder Years?):
“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.”
– The Wonder Years
