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(Deep Breath)... So, here goes...Remember a few posts ago, I mentioned that I think I have an idea why I haven't been successful? Well, I'm not ready to share completely BUT I need to, and I will, as much as I've figured out, so that I can hold MYSELF accountable and start to move forward.
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I really plateaued about 5 months ago - April... right after the cruise. What happened then, you might ask? Well, we got serious about trying for kiddo #2. And I think, that the day we "officially" started trying, I stopped trying. To lose weight, that is. You see, I've REALLY struggled with this whole having-another-baby-thing... Not struggled with fertility (well, that is a whole other post). More of the mind-game-struggle. In my mind it has been this battle of "why would you want to gain weight again when you've just lost it? Are you F*&%ing nuts? You've worked so darn hard, just to turn around and get fat!"... And then the other side is "I can't wait to have another kid... we're meant to be a family of four.... Lucia is the most amazing kid in the world, and I would love another one... yes, you've lost amazing weight which will make you that much more healthy to carry a baby... you can keep losing it afterwards!". A dichotomy... two opposite ends of the spectrum... And so, what I have done with the last 5 months is nothing. Nope, not being honest enough... I've found ways to cheat the system... slowly drinking more with my meals, makes all that food slide on down. So a half cup doesn't fill me... it takes a cup or so. And then, making the poor food choices. Fried vs. baked or broiled. Less protein vs. more protein. Not enough fruits. Not enough water. "I'll do better tomorrow" I tell myself. That is what I told myself at 283 pounds. Not good enough. And each month, as I find out that we are continuing to try, I get more and more down that I've just blown another month by making really, REALLY stupid choices.
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Why? Why am I doing this? I haven't completely solved that puzzle yet - still working on it... but I guess I really am having a hard time with the idea of gaining weight again. But, geez... to self-sabotage BEFORE I even get pregnant? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but if you haven't figured it out yet, this is more than 51% of a mental game, huh? So, I confess... this is where I am. I am not motivated to run. I'm tired. I'm a bit sad. And I KNOW a lot of it (not all of it) has to do with these dumb, poor choices. And yes, tomorrow is another day. I hope that I'm able to start making better choices for myself. I was able to not eat the M&M's at a co-worker's desk for 6 weeks. Then I said "just a few won't hurt"... and yet, they did and do. I need to choose to get that much more healthy for a baby, if that happens. Because if it does, I owe it to myself and that child. And if it doesn't, I still owe it to myself, my DH and my dear child who already lights up my life...
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I don't know what next. One step at a time, right? Tomorrow is a new day, and one where I can hopefully wake up and not beat myself up and make good, healthy choices in... And I hope I remember this when I need to (tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, 10 years banded and healthy). Thanks for listening and letting me be the one to judge me.
19 comments:
Knowing and doing are the first steps, I'm finding it really difficult to get on the right path and my one year is on Saturday. I'm not where I wanted to be, but my head is getting there...keep your chin up and your feet moving!
No judgments here Sarah - this is hard. I completely 'get' what you are thinking and feeling. The fact that you have figured out what has been happening tells me that now you can move on from here. Where you go is completely up to you. Working out and losing more pre-baby will make it that much less that you would have to lose post baby. AND you'll be in GREAT shape and you'll bounce back easier. Try not to worry - our bodies are AMAZING things and with the band - after baby weight loss should be much easier next time around.
Oh, Sarah. I wish there was some great advice I could give you because you have been such an inspiration to me. Of course we wouldn't judge such an open and honest post. Trying to get pregnant and having another child, while is wonderful and exciting, is also highly stressful. As you recognize, you have conflicting thoughts and they are coming out with your conflicted eating. I hate that you are feeling like this and there is nothing I can do. However, I have faith that you will find your way. XOXO
Sister, this seems to be going around band land like wildfire right now, just kinda "falling off the wagon" for a lack of better term. I am totally guilty and can't put a good reason behind it. I am trying to make one good decision at a time, that is all I can focus on. 1 good thing, eat breakfast..pack lunch, pack workout clothes...one step at a time. After all this is an addiction and those addiction folks get 12 steps..it just starts with one. If you want some motivation with running I will start texting you when I get up to run in the mornings. You can run with me! It might help me too! And congrats on trying for the second baby, what a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Man... I took so much crap from my doctor when I got pregnant with Liv at 220 pounds. All this talk about how I would get gestational diabetes and all the other bad things that come from being heavy when you're pregnant. Other than retaining water and swelling like a Macy's Day Parade balloon, Liv was healthy and my pregnancy was a breeze. I need less than one hand to count the number of times I threw up from morning sickness.
And see, I don't know if you're in the same boat or not with Lucia. It seems that the best of kids were meant to be, often times with dream pregnancies. So maybe your mind is in that stage. Maybe you weigh less now than you did when you got pregnant with her and subconsciously you feel as if you're better off now than you were in the past.
But, not to be the negative nelly or anything, you're not. You're older. Your body has been through one pregnancy. And even if things were IDEAL, there might still be complications. You just don't know.
And that's the thing about life that is scariest. None of what happens to those who have been banded, from losing the weight to becoming more active to the problems that are associated with looking more attractive and how that affects relationships, could be predicted. Life can't be predicted.
You have to live it as best as you can. Every day, first emotionally and spiritually and then following it up with everything else. I hate to hear you subtly beating yourself up when you should be happy and relaxed right now.
I bet that if your daughter were interviewed and asked about you, she would say that her mommy was smart and beautiful and strong. Kids believe that in us, even if we feel differently. If you're like me, you LIVE for your daughter. So LIVE life like how she sees you.
I sit here wishing I could help, but realising this is something you need to work through. Please just know I am thinking of you and hoping you find your way through this:/
Working through the same kind of "not trying" mode with the band. Need to get back in the game and get my head on straight ~ are you with me?! As for baby #2, go for it, you don't have to gain a ton of weight and if you get back in the game you may not gain any. Focus grasshopper focus!
I'm in a similar boat so you won't get any judgement from me. I can't really offer any advice either, just wanted to let you know that you were heard. I know you will work through your slump.
The only judgment I'm making here is that you are brave for admitting this to yourself and for sharing it with all of us. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, and you're already there. :)
You're going to get through this. You're the girl who said she wanted to run, and did. You also knew you wanted to live life at a healthy weight, so you got banded and have lost nearly 80 pounds. Those are huge, monumental achievements and a sign that you are incredibly capable of turning things around and making big changes to improve your life.
So, I'm not worried about you. You're already beginning the process of turning this around, and I know you have the strength and drive to do it.
Also, that is wonderful about the possible baby-to-be! Just think how your feet will thank you when you're still under your start weight when you're 9 months pregnant. :)
No judgements here. I think even outside of bandland, the decision to have another child can sometimes have this effect on people. I have two and I'm pretty sure I'm done but we're not taking any permanent steps at this point. Like you though, I can't imagine losing all this weight just to gain a lot of it back with pregnancy. I think it's a normal reaction. Whether it would make you feel better or not, I'll say it anyway, if you do get pregnant, have a healthy baby, you'll already have a great tool (that you already know how to use effectively I might add) to help you lose the weight this time. Only you knows what's right for you. Sending good thoughts your way...
Figuring it out is 9/10's of the process! That you've identified it is great! My sister and I talk about you all the time, Sara, and you're an inspiration to us (my sister is the one who walks around the Rose Bowl and prays for people :) ). So keep it up. I have every confidence that you'll figure it all out.
Gosh it seems like everyone is having this issue right now! Everyone is at a standstill on their journey. I have been this way too. And I have struggled with the idea of having a baby too. I don't have children...(yet?). Now that I am trying to lose weight I don't know if I really want to at least not for a few years. I totally understand your dilemma and self-sabotage is my specialty. you will make it through this. The same will that drove you to get the band in the first place will wake up and remind you and you will jump back in the race. Be patient with yourself. Hang in there!
Wishing you strength to move forward. Weight loss isn't always about food but about our brains. Thanks for sharing. That's what we are here for.
Who here would ever judge you pop tart??? Certainly nobody that I know. This is hard and I can't imagine contemplating pregnancy and dealing with what that would do to my body that I've been working so hard to reduce in size.
Like everybody else, I believe it took you this long to talk about this because before now perhaps you were not ready to do anything about it...I believe now you are and you will.
Sarah - I would never judge you. This is hard when you can give it 100%, it's even harder when our heads start to play games.
We've been on the fence about another baby - I don't have too long to decide and I panic a little thinking about it and the band and the weight.
Anyway, you decided to write this, which means you want to address it and fix it. We're behind you.
So funny that my post spoke to you, because yours is speaking to me. So much. I have been at a plateau, too and I have been breaking the rules, playing games. I have always been able to eat more than a 1/2 cup. But that doesn't make it "smart" and now? I can easily put away 2 cups. Oh yes, I pay for it 20 minutes later, but in the moment I always convince myself it's worth it.
And like you and your DH, my husband and I are trying to get pg. And I'm conflicted, as well. Some of the same reasons, some more related to fertility issues, some just run of the mill fears, but all of its overwhelming with no clear path.
So, I am really glad I read this. I am really glad I'm not alone. And I am really pulling for you.
I want to cry. You are so much a part of my journey, and we have been through a lot together. I will tell you that the other day I was wondering about you. About what was going on. BC whether you feel like it or not at this moment, you are a role model and have been an inspiration to so many of us.
I am not planning on having kids anytime soon, but sometimes Heather and I talk about if we were to have kids...who would carry it. I vote for her bc she would be like one of those super models whose bodies would look perfect just a mere 6 weeks after giving birth...but then I think I should take one for the team bc my body is already ruined...
I am rambling. But I always think too...HELL NO I AM NOT GETTING FAT AGAIN!
I think that you are more powerful than you are giving yourself credit for. You have done so much and come so far. YOU DID THAT! YOU lost the weight. YOU started running.
YOU YOU YOU
ANd you can do it again. You will get back on track. Take some time. Take a breath. Find some peace so you can refocus.
I am glad you shared.
Loves you even more.
Is your subconscious trying to tell you that, while you know you want a baby, that you don't want a baby right now?
Are you sabotaging your eating as a way of getting attention, perhaps from your husband? Like, if he'll notice that you're slipping up, he'll pay attention to your food choices and hold your hand a little more....all of which = more attention?
Perhaps your brain is just fragmenting the areas of your life into divisions. There's "weight loss" which takes a chunk of time. There's "mommy time to the current baby" which takes a chunk of time and effort. And there's "Baby-making time" which also takes a separate set of time and effort. Maybe you're forgetting that "weight loss" can be INTEGRATED into the other areas of your life?
Just some ideas.
I think you're brave to be thinking of this and trying to figure it all out.
Sarah, I've been through infertility, desperately wanted a baby, never had one, accepted it, and moved on. With that said, I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I randomly took a pregnancy test in a grocery store, it was positive, and I woke up sobbing because I DON'T want a baby now, I DON'T want to be pregnant, and GOOD LORD I CERTAINLY DON'T want to gain 50+ pounds back. So...to a certain extent, I understand the conflict. You have a wonderful kid and you are so strong and active, and whatever you decide, it's going to work out for the best.
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