What a difference a year makes... My One Year Bandiversary!

Seeing is believing...

The Side & Back Views...

Disclaimer: This is going to be a long post!!!

Today is my one year anniversary of having my lap-band surgery. What an amazing difference when I look back on a year ago!!! Just amazing. In fact, when I was putting together these pictures, I found myself getting VERY emotional. I mean, look at me above last year this time... I was SCARED! And tired, and unhappy.... and fat. I was so sad that it had to come to this point. And I was afraid that this too, wouldn't work. I didn't care about how I looked. My hair looked like shit (mind you, the picture is at 5AM, but it basically always looked like that). I wore baggy, crappy clothes... I was not a happy girl. Fast forward a year. Someone sent me these Gap Flare jeans (Catherine or Amy I think - and thanks again!!!) and I don't even know what size they are - I do know that they are too big up top, and for the first time, they fit over my calves today. So I decided that there wasn't a better day to wear them! And I'm smiling. I smile alot more these days. That is a good thing.

YEAR IN REVIEW PIX

I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about this day. Would it be different? Would I feel different? Nope... just a normal day. But there have definitely been some little moments today that have made me smile, especially because I know where I was a year ago. My friend this morning told me how amazing I looked in the jeans, and that "you just keep shrinking... so much for being large boned, huh?!?!?"... and being able to squat on the floor during a Daisy Girl Scout troop event this morning with 14 little girls... and coming home and having my husband tell me that I looked hot, and that I look way younger than he ever remembers me and that he feels like he's "robbing the cradle", and yesterday having someone seriously in disbelief when (a) I told them I was 37 and (b) showed them the "before" picture. Great things.

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So here are some thoughts, differences and general observations from this past year... and some honest admissions about where I haven't been as successful too...

• Stats: My ring size has changed from a 9 to a 6.5... My clothing size from a 24/26 to a general 16 (14 in some things, 18 in others)... 75 plus pounds lost... not sure on inches (I haven't been measuring lately)... I couldn't walk a block without wheezing and now I can run 1.8 miles without stopping... I still go to bed by 9PM and sleep as long as I can (5:30 if I'm running, 6:30 if not)... My shoe size is down at least a half if not a full size... last summer I was wearing the bathing suits with the skirts to hide as much as possible. Last week I bought board shorts and a bikini top for the next vacation!
• I can actually run up the stairs now. Heck - I can run! I DO RUN! Here's my admission though... it is bizarre to me that I'm a role model to so many of you because I don't consider myself a runner at all. Honestly? I dread it each time I go out there, but I know it makes me a stronger person. And it is something tangible that I can both do and feel and finish... But I still haven't done a full 5k without walking. That will come though - hopefully in 2 weeks - at least that is my goal!
• I've noticed huge things that are little in the grand scheme of things, yet big to me at the same time... I can buckle my seatbelt without an extender on an airplane AND the tray table and arm rests come down without hitting me... I have ridden on a roller coaster with Lucia... I fit in restaurant booths without having to move the table... my heels don't crack nearly as much as they did... I can shop in "normal" stores now (although I am still scared too)... I don't quite know what sizes to buy and almost always choose things too big for me...
• I can actually watch the Biggest Loser now... before the surgery I wouldn't watch it because it was just too painful. It is still hard to watch, but now I know that I am living and getting healthier every day. I finally know I won't die from this.
• At Disney last week, I saw my reflection in a store-front window and mentioned to Dennis that I would like to look like that... then I realized THAT was me. THAT was cool.
• I weigh myself EVERY DAY, TWICE A DAY... yes, probably crazy... but I weigh myself in the AM to see where I am, and at night to see what I did... it gives me an idea of where I'll be the next morning. But I only make it "official" on Friday mornings.

ADMISSIONS:

• I still think of myself as a fat girl. I've been heavy since forever... I don't know differently... I just can't get beyond the fact that I still think that I'm the "fat girl" in the group - yet that has never defined me...
• I haven't found the courage yet to go into J Jill, Ann Taylor, or any other "skinny" girl stores yet. I want to though. The day is coming soon I hope!
• I would be about 15 pounds lighter if I listened to the rules on not drinking... but I love my wine, and I've chosen to allow myself that vice - in fact, I'm having a glass of celebratory Toasted Head Chardonnay right now as I type!
• I don't measure my food. Almost never since about 3 weeks out from surgery. I eyeball it, and I know my eyes are bigger than my stomach.
• I still haven't quite gotten the connection between my eyes and new stomach, and at times feel like I should be able to eat more - but thankfully I've learned to listen to the physical signals.
• I am hopeful that we'll have another baby some day - and that this weight loss will help with that entire process. But you know what? Selfishly, I don't want to gain weight again. Is that awful? I am SCARED TO DEATH to try it... but the benefit of kids far outweighs the scariness of gaining weight now, because I know with this tool I can lose it again.
• And going on that last bullet, every morning I wake up and think "did I gain it all back last night" and that I'm living in a dream... It's a wonderful place - but for some reason, I still think about having to squeeze into seats, and I'm always afraid I won't fit somewhere... the brain takes a long time to catch up.

A FEW UPCOMING GOALS & DREAMS:

• Finish the races I have on tap and meet that goal of 37 miles of "official" races this year...
• Find the courage to go INTO a "real" store AND actually BUY something there
• Get that connection a bit more solid between my eyes and my stomach
• Get below 200... but first, figure out what's going on with my band
• Find a pair of black boots that fit over my calves to wear with skirts
• Cut my hair short & sassy... and maybe learn how to wear makeup - just a little bit!
• Get to the point where I know I can get my rings re-sized. I miss my wedding rings.
• When I lose 100 pounds, I promised Lucia that we would dye our hair (the wash-out kind) pink and purple. I can't wait for that day!!!

The Finale (aka my acceptance speech):

I could write so much more... really, I could... but honestly, I'm a bit emotionally exhausted of thinking about all of the last 37 years and the last year's journey... it's been quite an amazing ride. Would I do it again? IN A HEARTBEAT. Hands' down, it was the BEST decision I've ever made. So here's a toast to all of you out there who have joined me in this journey.... To my fellow bandsters... I am SO appreciative of the sisterhood I've found. I can't even begin to describe how much this community has played a role in my success... to know you're all out there cheering me on is such an amazing gift. And to those of you who are petrified about making the decision? Do what your heart and gut say. Honestly. And know whatever your choice, there are some amazing people waiting to support you. To my friends and family... THANK YOU. Thank you for always loving me no matter what and knowing I wasn't who I was wrapped up in, and for so many of you who see the "before" picture and who honestly say "I never thought you were that fat...that isn't the Sarah that I knew." That really means a lot to me because it means you always loved me for me - not for my "wrapping"... To my running buddies and those folks who push me... keep it up. Yes, I might bitch at you when you make me run to the next street light, but I love that you love me enough to do it. For all of you who have shared your clothing with me... I'm in HEAVEN that I can finally swap clothes!!! Mom & Dad??? Love you more than I can ever tell you - thank you. For everything and all your support... and Dennis and Lucia - my rocks... my daily cheerleaders... couldn't have done any of this without you! And I can't wait to pay it forward to all of you. Cheers.