5 weeks from today... CHICAGO!!!

First of all, thank you so much (as usual - what else could I expect?!?!?) for all the support and encouragement on my last few posts...

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I was looking at the calendar, and OMG - 5 weeks exactly from right now, I'll be in the cab and maybe even at the hotel meeting everyone in Chicago.... HURRAY!!! Can I just tell you how darn excited I am getting??? I can not wait to meet all of you. I feel like it is going to be a reunion of long-lost-friends-I've-never-met (except Jacquie).... I was never in a sorority in college - I was too afraid to try and join because I always thought no one would want me b/c I was too fat - but I do feel like I've finally found an amazing sisterhood that I truly am a part of. Can't wait to meet everyone, and for those of you who can't make this year, meet you next year!!! Have a great weekend.

Sharing where my head's been at... (?)

LONG POST WARNING... I'm not here tonight to have a pity party, or whine, or pass blame...I am just trying to continue being honest as that was the point I set out to make to myself when I started blogging. This blog was a tool for ME. Something to document my journey, that I can go back on and look back on to remember where I've been in this process. And I think I will need to remember this point later on. (AND as you read this, I will ask some of you who are closest to me, to just listen / read, and not judge... I don't like admitting that I'm failing a bit, especially to those of you who have been most proud of me and my biggest champions. I feel like I've let you down. But, more importantly, I've let myself down. Although I welcome you gently challenging me, right now I just need to vent without lecture. Thanks)

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(Deep Breath)... So, here goes...Remember a few posts ago, I mentioned that I think I have an idea why I haven't been successful? Well, I'm not ready to share completely BUT I need to, and I will, as much as I've figured out, so that I can hold MYSELF accountable and start to move forward.

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I really plateaued about 5 months ago - April... right after the cruise. What happened then, you might ask? Well, we got serious about trying for kiddo #2. And I think, that the day we "officially" started trying, I stopped trying. To lose weight, that is. You see, I've REALLY struggled with this whole having-another-baby-thing... Not struggled with fertility (well, that is a whole other post). More of the mind-game-struggle. In my mind it has been this battle of "why would you want to gain weight again when you've just lost it? Are you F*&%ing nuts? You've worked so darn hard, just to turn around and get fat!"... And then the other side is "I can't wait to have another kid... we're meant to be a family of four.... Lucia is the most amazing kid in the world, and I would love another one... yes, you've lost amazing weight which will make you that much more healthy to carry a baby... you can keep losing it afterwards!". A dichotomy... two opposite ends of the spectrum... And so, what I have done with the last 5 months is nothing. Nope, not being honest enough... I've found ways to cheat the system... slowly drinking more with my meals, makes all that food slide on down. So a half cup doesn't fill me... it takes a cup or so. And then, making the poor food choices. Fried vs. baked or broiled. Less protein vs. more protein. Not enough fruits. Not enough water. "I'll do better tomorrow" I tell myself. That is what I told myself at 283 pounds. Not good enough. And each month, as I find out that we are continuing to try, I get more and more down that I've just blown another month by making really, REALLY stupid choices.

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Why? Why am I doing this? I haven't completely solved that puzzle yet - still working on it... but I guess I really am having a hard time with the idea of gaining weight again. But, geez... to self-sabotage BEFORE I even get pregnant? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but if you haven't figured it out yet, this is more than 51% of a mental game, huh? So, I confess... this is where I am. I am not motivated to run. I'm tired. I'm a bit sad. And I KNOW a lot of it (not all of it) has to do with these dumb, poor choices. And yes, tomorrow is another day. I hope that I'm able to start making better choices for myself. I was able to not eat the M&M's at a co-worker's desk for 6 weeks. Then I said "just a few won't hurt"... and yet, they did and do. I need to choose to get that much more healthy for a baby, if that happens. Because if it does, I owe it to myself and that child. And if it doesn't, I still owe it to myself, my DH and my dear child who already lights up my life...

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I don't know what next. One step at a time, right? Tomorrow is a new day, and one where I can hopefully wake up and not beat myself up and make good, healthy choices in... And I hope I remember this when I need to (tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, 10 years banded and healthy). Thanks for listening and letting me be the one to judge me.

At least I'm aware of it...

This self-made-rut / feeling-down-and-blue space I find myself in, that is... I mentioned it before, and I am just in an odd place right now. Let me be clear - I have a great job that I love (in fact, I only had my first bad day this week after a full year here which is amazing!), a wonderful support network, an amazing family... I know that in the grand scheme of things I don't have much to worry about at all. If I never lose another pound, I am still successful... BUT... I am in a funk. A few years ago, pre-band, I found myself really struggling with sleep and feeling very depressed, and so, I got some help. I'm not back there, but it is in the back of my head to "watch". The help worked, and I was able to get myself recentered successfully... Usually I get into a funk like this once or twice a year, and it lasts for a few days, and I can bounce out, but for whatever reason this one is hanging around a bit longer. Like a little black rain cloud over my head. Blah. I'm just darn grumpy. So, I'm giving myself a few more days to move beyond it and get recentered... It is a lot of little stuff... I feel like my house (only a few rooms, but still) is turning into a "hoarders" episode. OK, it really isn't that bad, but I need to get crap put away and given away to goodwill! I just need a mental health day... When I lose my sense of feeling organized, things seem to build up and feel that much worse, and that is where I am right now - feeling very unorganized. So my task for this weekend is to continue purging... I also am at a bit of a cross-road with church... when I stopped working at my church, we also took some time off from there because I was too close... but the thing is, we haven't gone back. And no one has bothered to call and see where we are either. I am kind of hurt... I know I need to find a new church - I am really missing it, and need to fill that hole... but the thought of "church shopping" and having to build new relationships, etc... is just a bit overwhelming. Ugh! A lot of stuff rattling around up in my head, plus a lot of thoughts about my lack of weight loss are up there. I need to figure out how to recenter. It'll come... I view going back to school as my "new year" - the time to begin the consistent schedules again, start "fresh"... and so I am glad that we are almost there to Fall... to restarting, starting fresh, pressing the "re-set" button... whatever. It's time.

I've been in a bit of a funk... but had an NSV today to get me refocused!

Hi all... I haven't posted in a while. (A) because I haven't had much to report but (B) also because I've been feeling kind of down as it relates to my band. I'm still holding steady at about 199. From the "glass-is-half-full" perspective, at least it is on that side of 200 and I haven't gained. BUT... I just can't seem to get focused and re-started... I've been doing a lot of thinking about why, and think I'm coming to some conclusions but I'm not quite ready to share them yet... However, I did have an AWESOME NSV today.

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Many of us have had our wish-lists of things to do when we lose the weight, and I know a number of you have some form of roller coaster on yours... I wouldn't mind the roller coaster thing, but it wasn't super high on my list. Secretly (and I honestly don't think I've told ANYONE this) I've had this dream of being able to go on the swings again... you know, the grown-up ones that raise you up high in the air and twirl you around... I haven't been on one in probably 18 years... They were too tight on the thighs, and then just got to the point that I simply couldn't wedge myself into them... and honestly?!?!? I was terrified that I would break off and fly through the air, mid-swing because I was so damn heavy. Well, today we finally (!) activated our season's pass to Kings Dominion and took Lucia up there... we had an absolute blast! The weather was perfect - cloudy and 75, so no one there... no lines, no heat, we just couldn't ask for a better day... and guess what? Not only did I go on TWO roller coasters, but I also did the swings. TWICE. And seriously, I couldn't wipe the giant grin off my face. What a blast! And I only briefly wondered whether or not they would hold me... then took a deep breath in, and told mean-sarah where to go, and got on! Yes, they are still a tad tight in the thighs (crap - I'm not sure a 15 year old, size 8 girl would fit in them) but I did it! And had fun. And it was a good thing for me, to realize that even though I haven't seen much scale movement, there are HUGE physical (and emotional) changes that have happened as a part of this journey.

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I hope you all had a great weekend too... God bless Dennis... he probably took 20 pictures trying to show me how happy I was... so here are some pix from the swings (and Lucia driving a few cars - very seriously)...

liquid, liquid... how do I love thee??? let me count the ways...

1. I pee a lot more
2. I lose more weight since I am not actually eating anything
3. ....

OK - honestly, there aren't THAT many ways I can count other than quicker weightloss that I really enjoy... I went to Jeanine, my NP today, and she "tweaked" me... I got a smidge added (medical term, you know) and am back up in the 5.5 cc range... It's nice that I've built a relationship where it is a "hey sarah- how was vacation?!?!" in the hall vs. a blank stare... She did, however, make it VERY CLEAR that I was to be on liquids ALL WEEKEND... apparently they've had some issues with fillings on Friday being too tight, and the ER really screwing up the un-fills... so she basically said that if anything happens, as long as I can keep down water, that I should NOT go to the ER. I'm not thinking I'm going to have any problems, but am not particularly looking forward to only liquid. Oh well. Maybe I can now project myself firmly into the 190's!

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On un-related-to-the-band-front news, Lucia is going to my MIL's tomorrow for 4 nights / 5 days which she is very excited about... Unfortunately for her, she has a KILLER yeast infection (poor thing) which we ended up going to the KidMed urgent care tonight for. Basically, they gave me the equivalent of a doped-up diaper rash cream to use with the lotrimin, but man, I feel sorry for her... she's wiped so hard (b/c of the itch) that she's torn the skin and you can just tell it hurts... thankfully my MIL totally understood when I called her to explain the "girl issues" this morning and will be making sure that Lu gets the creams provided... (sigh...) I guess I didn't realize the girl stress would start at age 6!

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I've started back running - and will head out tomorrow or Sunday again... looking forward to getting back in a routine to get to my 37 miles before I turn 38 in November!