Update to original post: I realized, after I originally posted this what has been bothering me so much... (A) I was worried I might offend someone by being honest (WTF?!?!?). And (B) In Chicago, I had a conversation with someone (I am not giving specifics so as to have them remain anonymous) about someone else feeling "intimidated by the 'superstars' that were at the event" and deciding to either leave or not participate...and it's been eating at me because I always want to be inclusive but for the first time in a long time, I tried to be kind of selfish (i.e. for ME) this past weekend... and I am probably very presumptuous to even think I'm part of that group they were referring too, but I can't help but feel some guilt and sadness as I think about that comment, so maybe that puts the rest of this post in perspective. As for (A) - this is my blog. Screw it - I have to be honest first and foremost, because that is who I am. And (B)? Read on...
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OK... bear with me. Because remember, I write this blog for ME. I'm not in a popularity contest, and I'm so sorry to hear that others have been bashing our trip (haven't seen those particular posts, but have seen others mention it.) I blog to keep myself honest. To be a correct representation of this journey so when I look back, or Lucia looks back, it is as close-to-honest-as-possible. So, before you read any further, please know that I had a great time in Chicago. BUT... I have mixed feelings...regrets...other-feelings-that-can't-be-named... and reading Steph's post tonight made me realize that I need to be honest about them. So, here goes...
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First and foremost, I had a really good time in Chicago. Please know that. I loved meeting everyone. BUT, it was hard. I am so in awe of folks who went WAY out of their comfort zone and fought their social anxiety issues to even book their tickets, let alone come to Chicago. I respect and understand how hard it was for you, and what I'm about to blog about probably doesn't compare. But it's been eating at me... so, as I promised to always be honest, I need to be.
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I've had a hard time explaining how Chicago was to those closest to me. I've gotten reactions like "it doesn't seem like you had a great time" or "are you sure you had fun?"... Because, you see, it is very, very hard for me to explain what those 44 hours (yes, not even 2 full days) were like. When I arrived, I was in complete overwhelm. I was so excited to get there - and then I did - and EVERYONE knew who I was. This is the girl who, while able to "make friends" is a LEARNED EXTROVERT. I am not really the social person that a lot of people think I am. Yes people, I am NOT an extrovert by nature. surprise! I know once my voice was back on Saturday, that may be surprising to you - because that was the "fake" Sarah talking... The Sarah who has learned to act certain ways. So to walk in and hear shouts of "SARAH!" was completely overwhelming. I honestly wanted to turn around and go drink. A lot. Hide in the corner with a bottle of something. Go read a book. I don't know... anything other than be in that room. But, I turned on my professional side and started socializing, and completely lost my (professional) ability to remember who was who. So the whole weekend, I was thinking "Wait is this "X" from "X Blog"? or was that "Y" from "Y" blog? Shit! Why can't I remember who is who?" Stress. STRESS! And it was stressful for me that I only got to have very cursory, casual conversations with so many of you. I wanted time to talk to everyone. But honestly? I was also there on a mission. I had my list of a few folks I've followed from the very beginning who I JUST HAD TO TALK TOO... I HAD to get to know on a personal level. And I feel very guilty about that, but on the other hand so happy that I got to connect with about 6 more of you on a much higher level than I had connected before. At the same time, I struggle with this "angel/demon" issue that I know what I need personally, and I paid money for this, and I (for once) have to take care of me, blah, blah, blah... so if I either didn't spend enough time with you or didn't get to talk to you as much as I would have wished, I'm sorry. There. I have to let this go. Because honestly? While the weekend ROCKED, I have been feeling this amazing range of emotions about it, from on one end "I AM ON THE COMMITTEE TO PLAN IT NEXT YEAR!" To on the other end, nope... that was it for me - I just can't do it... I'm going to do smaller visits from now on". So hard. But also so comforting to know that others of you are having similar feelings. And yes, I too have some regrets about Saturday night. It was fun, but I paid for it (wait - Jimmy and his crew paid for ALL of it) on Sunday flying home.... And most of all? I regret not saying goodbye. I just couldn't. I hope you understand. I just couldn't deal with my own emotions on Sunday morning, so I left quietly. For those few of you I was able to say goodbye too, I'm thankful. For those of you who I didn't, I'm sorry. And continuing on being honest? Coming home to my hubby and lu was the BEST thing ever. I loved talking to my friends in Richmond who know me best... and my parents... and my hubby... and I love that he said "I think you just need to find a smaller group and go visit them - I don't care where it is...you aren't a big-crowd person"... Just hearing that from him meant the world. And getting the hugs from friends meant the world. Maybe I'm not a big-town-girl... I don't know - home was so much more comforting than it has ever been...
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I hope you know that I had a great time. It may not sound it above, and it was mentally exhausting for me - such an amazing range of emotions. But I did have a great time. I continue to be in awe of those of you who planned this - KUDOS! Great job ladies! And I wish I got to spend more time with so many of you. But I also realized that within 50 amazing women, I'm not going to connect with everyone and I can't beat myself up for that. I feel so blessed to have met (and follow) all of you and to share a similar journey, and I look forward to building stronger relationships with many of you. And depending on when, where, etc... BOOBS 2.0 is next year, I'll play it by ear. I'm not committing right now. I AM committing to get up to NYC sometime between now and Summer 2011, and do Dos Caminos with my girls, Catherine & Jen in the city... and to visit Cindylew & Barbara next time I go home... and Jacquie/Steph next time I am in St. Augustine area... and I hope that BOOBS 2.0 will be in a place where I'll want to go and that it will work for my schedule, but I know if I can't, that I still have so many of you who are cheering me on in blogland. Thanks for that - it means a ton. And I hope that I don't hurt any feelings by this, but, if I do, sorry - I'm just being true to my original goal of blogging. In full honesty, I love you all. But I'm going to keep on being honest. If I learned nothing else from this weekend, it is that (a) it is a good thing to be selfish and do something for YOU and (b) this group of women, overcoming so many hurdles (weight, fears, anxiety, etc...) is amazing. You're all inspiring.
21 comments:
Sarah, I can understand how it was overwhelming. I think it was for all of us. It was just such a pleasure to meet you, I am glad you came. I hope that I can see you again in the future. And no one would every dislike you for being honest, that is what a blog is all about.
Sarah, It was a joy to meet you! I was so glad you made it and I knew you had been sick, so I especially happy to see you. The 5K was awesome and so was the boat cruise. You are a beautiful and funny lady. Thanks for letting my try your "dirty martini" too! I do hope we have another BOOBS trip and I really hope you will join us. For sure, I will see you next summer in Richmond! XOXO
Nothing to feel bad about at all! We all have certain bloggers we have followed longer or connected more deeply with...It was so great to meet you!
Sarah - We can all understand, it was overwhelming. I'm glad I was able to spend sometime with you - you are a fabulous, inspiring woman. I hope since we aren't too far from each other we can get together someday.
I love you, Sarah. I have similar feelings in my heart but I don't yet have the words formulated for what you just said. I am REALLY bad with the big groups, to the point that I had to escape to our room on Saturday night and climb into bed and watch a movie because it was all just TOO MUCH, TOO BIG. I was overwhelmed. My favorite moments of the weekend were having pizza with a few people the afternoon I got there, spending the day alone with Karin shopping and being touristy, the whole 5K experience, hanging out in our room just the two of us and chatting and laughing, the wine bar (even though you had to resort to thievery and I had to bring out bitch mode - it was HILARIOUS), having the awesome surprise of riding to the airport and being on the same flight as the lovely Jenny, and my most favorite moment of all - sisterhood clothes with you, Catherine, and Bonnie. What do all of these things have in common? SMALL gatherings. I don't do well in large groups. I tend to have massive anxiety. So I totally see where you are coming from. BIG HUGS headed your way and I am truly honored to have spent so much quality time together. Thank you for your honesty. XOXO
OMG -- I'm social as heck and it was even overwhelming for me! That said, I know I'm in that small number of people who got in some serious quality time with you, and I loved every minute!
I agree with Stephanie -- hanging out with you two and Bonnie was a major highlight! Plus, I got to do your makeup (Slumber Partyyy!!!)! :) OMG, Carmen on the phone cracking us up -- I am still laughing!!
I saw Stephanie's post, but didn't see any bashing the weekend. I'm glad. My hope is that everyone will just shake off whatever oogie feelings they have about the weekend, any insecurity about whether people liked them, whether they drank too much, etc., and hang on to the best of the weekend. It really was an incredible event. :)
First up, let me tell you how fantastic and brave you are.
Not everyone is cut out for what you went through. Not all of us are extroverts and you did what you had to do. I think you're amazing regardless of how it went for you. xxx
Nothing to feel bad about, Sarah!
Certainly there were a lot of people I would've liked to talk to more, but hell, there were FIFTY of us! Spending quality time with everyone over two days is dang near impossible. There's always next time... :)
St. Augustine....here we come! I too am glad we got to spend some quality time together Sarah. The 5 k, was a huge highlight for me, thank you!
I think you are amazing and I love your honesty. Part of what made the weekend so special was the diversity you speak of. I must say that I put Catherine, Amy, Jenny and You in the same category as you were the first blogs that I followed. Your honesty has always drawn me to your blog, keep on keeping on! You were so much fun and quite the extrovert, you learned well! I truly hope I get to see you again someday!
Sarah it was great getting to meet you in person..I was a bit overwhelmed at times and I am an extremely out going person. I think I heard you say this is like a computer game and everyone is coming to life!
great post, Sarah, I'm glad you felt like you could post honestly.
I also felt torn between wanting to get to know everyone and wanting to spend the weekend with the real friends and connections I have made. We've been on this path for a lot longer than some people and maybe that's why we're seeing it from a different way.
I loved it but don't know if I'd be up for next year either, but certainly want to spend more time with you! xx
I loved meeting you! I think everyone was overwhelmed, if they say they weren't I'd think they were lying. Traveling hours to meet up with women that we talk to online?! Crazy, and worth every minute!!
Sending you BIG HUGGGSSS! I think we were all a bit overwhelmed. We couldn't have done the 5k with out our team captain :)
I wasn't there but want to hug anyway. I don't know if it was any way that you could have spent quality time with each and every person there in so little time. I think in order to do that we would need a month together.
Sarah, as someone that wasn't at BOOBS and reading your post, I wanted to let you know that I don't find anything that should offend anyone (hoping to provide you with an objective opinion!). With 44 hours and time to sleep, there's just no way humanly possible to have spent time with everyone. What an awesome experience, though! It does sound that overall you had a very good time.
Cheers,
Fluffy
I just want to say I'm offended GREATLY!
Ahhh, Becky - I love you - you are such a PITA! (And I can say that 'cause you're family)... THanks everyone else for understanding!
Sarah my love...connecting with you over the weekend is one of my favorite outcomes from that fabulous weekend. I hadn't been a longtime follower of yours but you can bet I now hang on every word. Absolutely can't wait to have you visit us and I'll even ride the train with you up to NYC for one of those Dos Caminos trips. You are my "new" friend" and I feel so honored.
Fantastic post, Sarah. I feel very similar...blog to come :)
Sarah, don't fret one bit! As someone who'd fallen off the blogs & was in CHI for a total of 19 hours, I SOOO understand!!! I felt like a big dumbass being there in some ways. No one remembered who I was & it was MORE than intimidating... but all in all, it was amazing!
Those of you I got to speak to, I LOVED just connecting a bit with... those I didn't & simply got a hello hug, I'm sorry too, but we all understand, I think, that logistics were just working against us.
I'm just thrilled to have been included. And I'm totally in for BOOBs 2011 b/c that's exactly the kind of Sisterhood this is. Plus, I LOVE to travel. Not gonna stress myself about knowing & chatting with EVERYONE... just have fun. Hope to see you there (b/c I didn't chat near enough with you)! :)
Blessings,
Robin at Band on the Run
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