5.20.2010
Crossing the threshold is scary
So, I watched Amy's vlog yesterday and it really hit home... because I, like her, do consider myself to be a "forever fattie"... not because I ever called myself that, but because forever I've been in that shell. And it is odd, because I never degraded myself but I knew that I was just the fat girl in the group. I was the fat friend, fat cousin, fat grand-daughter, fat co-worker. It was a comfortable role to play, so I gladly played it. And I am so blessed because people who are my friends, ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS. They like me for me. They have no issues with judging my outer-me. They love me for me. But, I still (in my head) have always been the fat friend. And now, as I get closer and closer to being under 200 I think about what that means and will it somehow change who I am and what my role is? I don't know. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT BE FAT. And that is scary, plain and simple, and I think that crossing that threshold into the 100's has been so subconciously scary for me that I've subtly sabotaged myself to stay in the 200's because that is what I define myself as. Because to me, under 200 is not fat. I guess I still have some head-work to do on this whole journey! This morning was 200.2. I have definitely been cutting back on the alcohol (and thank you to those of you who commented on that - you know who you are)... and realize that I do deserve to get to (and stay in) this next phase of the band journey. Hope to see it before Memorial Day. That is now my personal Memorial Day challenge - forget the suit - I just want to be under 200 for good!
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14 comments:
I have the same goal, Sarah. Good luck to both of us.
I've been a stalker on the blogs. I crossed over into the 100's a week ago. I'm struggling with NOT seeing myself in the 200's. I was there fore over 20 years. Someone told me last night at church that I was looking skinny. That just won't register in my head. I still have almost 30 lbs. until my goal and I wonder if it will ever register that I'm not the "fat" one anymore?????? I can't wait to see cross over into Onederland! You are doing awesome!
I really should proofread before sending comments! :) I can't wait to see YOU cross over into Onederland!
You have come so far in your journey. I know that you have it in you to get past this hurdle.
This is a great post! I think so many of us struggle with the "what is our new role?" problem. The beauty of it is, the new role can be whatever we want it to be! Your progress is awesome. You'll be in onederland soon!
I can't wait until you reach the 100's! It will happen and I think your goal for Memorial Day is totally do-able!
I also am a lifelong fatty. I don't know what will happen when I get down closer to the 100's. But, having people like you and Amy in my life is such a blessing. You guys are preparing me for the next steps...
Thank You! <3
Thanks for your honesty in sharing...I am right there with you, feeling that being under 200 puts me in a normal range...you can do this! Keep pressing on!
Sarah - I don't think anyone ever thought of you as the 'fat cousin' or 'fat anything'. You were always Sarah and we loved you no matter what!
Much love and miss you tons!
I think Amy's vlog touched a lot of us this week. I don't think I will know how to handle it when I get there. And I'm close, so I hope that if I keep blogging it will come to me. You're doing great so far, we will all be fine.
I'm the 'big' girl too - great post :-)
It's scary when being fat has been part of your identity. We are a work in progress. You'll get there, I know it!
xo,
Joey
What drew me to you when I did a random google search for LapBand blogs back in September of '09 is that you were honest about being nervous, about being insecure, about so many of the things that I feel but internalize because I have this outer reputation for being some kind of hard-ass. I don't know why I constantly feel the need to hold that up to people, to give them the version of me that they believe is so true when it's only part of the story. I really identified with your sense of humility, something that (and I like to say this is because I'm an Aquarius and we're notorious for knowing a lot of people but only calling a select few "true friends") very few people see out of me, but I have a deep capacity for.
You really identify with being the fat friend and there's something in you which fears that there will be people that you love who might not love you back if this part changes. I can completely understand that. The minute that a couple of my (now former) friends understood that I'd really had the surgery, that I'd really done it and that we wouldn't be a team trying to lose weight and then forgiving each other all the time for breaking stride in those achievements, I lost them as friends because THEY changed.
I guess that's my best advice or knowledge I can impart to you. While Sarah is changing on the outside, you know in your heart that Sarah isn't really going to change on the inside. There will be people who believe that you getting thinner will change that inner self, and that's THEIR problem and not yours. That's a hard thing to grasp, I know. But in the long run, you're going to beat yourself up more than they ever could, so you don't really want to add punishment from some other person as well.
And there will be people who will continue to love you no matter what. Don't overlook those people or prejudge them to be in the category of those who will change their minds. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt to start and then go forth from there.
You WILL get there. I swear. I just know it.
I hope those scales move soon. I am not sure what I can offer on the other front...I think you do lose some friends when you lose weight...those who are jealous of your success and then there are the other friends who seem to like you more now because you are thin...no friends at all!!! As long as you are happy with you it will be all good!!!
Sarah my love and blogging sister. I just read all of your posts trying to catch up. I am so sorry to hear about Michael. It seems to me that in my sabatical from blogging, so many of the bloggers have lost someone. I find that odd, and heartbreaking. here I was rolling around in my self imposed grief while some of you guys were struggling with deaths. I am sorry for your loss and know that it has been a few days now and can only hope that you have found comfort in your family, friends, and faith. It sounds like you have.
The funeral will be hard. I am glad you are blogging about it and not shutting down.
As for getting to the 100's and dealing with that, I can tell you as I stay here longer it does become easier. It is still strange though. Don't let that fear hold you back from health and happiness though. You are strong and perserve...you will adapt to being skinny!
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