I am in a funk this morning. 22 days and counting until the "big race"... So many emotions I'm feeling right now... And really, it isn't such a big race in the grand scheme of things - but it is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE (did I mention Huge?) mental hurdle for me. And I am tired. I ran yesterday morning, and I am definitely doing better and better each time I go out. Even though the blisters are still there, and I re-blistered them yesterday morning. You know what? I still ran. Yes, they hurt. And I think my feet swelled up 3 sizes when the sneakers came off, but I made myself finish. I never ever would have done that before. Yesterday, I ran 1/3 mile straight (three different times) without stopping, and I am walking less than before - so I'm pleased with myself. But, I am also frustrated with myself. Not in my actual performance, but frustrated that I can't seem to get over the mental games I play inside my head. I have a great "team" of people I run with in the morning, and they are AWESOME. They slow their pace down for me, and encourage me, and make sure I finish. And yet, inside my head there is this ongoing drama while I'm running...
I don't like mean Sarah. And you know what? This morning she came out as "Mean-Mommy / Bitchy-Wife" too. WTF??? Why do I have all this negativity in my head? And why can't I just compartmentalize it and not take out my anxiety on other people? I have no idea what is going on this morning. I just feel like crying. Do you ever have one of those days where everything feels like it is spinning out of control? That is this morning for me. It's not. Work is good, life is good - we have nothing to worry about. So maybe I am filling it with this crap. I know part of it is that I really need (and want) a fill. I can eat way more than I am comfortable with. And I find that without the restriction, I am really having trouble corralling my thoughts to remember that I don't HAVE to eat if I'm not hungry. So I eat past the point that I NEED to, but keep fulfilling the WANT to. Why is that? Why is it, after 7+ months, that I am still seeing signs of the "eating without thinking about it" crap? (sigh) I guess the good news is that from a weight perspective, I'm holding steady. As of this morning, I'm basically the same. It's okay I guess. At least given the fact that I can eat basically anything right now. I'm going out of town for work Sunday through Wednesday, and I'm nervous. It is a work conference - you know the kind... tons of people, crappy food, lots of danish/bagel/carb crap... and dessert. Ugh. I also am worried I won't run as much as I should. I'm staying on the ocean front at VA Beach and the conference goes from about 7am to 10pm. I'm not planning to do the social stuff at night (I don't know anyone who is staying there and have no interest in even being tempted to drink for the "sake" of it. Plus - have you ever gone to a conference with a whole lot of HR people? It is like all rules go out the window when they are together). And I already miss Lucia and I'm not even gone yet. (sigh again) AAARRRGGGHHH... As my mother would say, "this too, shall pass". I just need to get out of my funk. Thanks for listening.New Sarah: "This feels really good... I'm amazed that I'm pushing myself to do this and that I actually CAN do this!!! Wow... I made it a lot further than last week!"
Mean Sarah: "You know, you could just walk for the next block. You can't actually run to the next street light. Who are you kidding? You aren't a real runner."
New Sarah: "You can do it... you can make it another block... keep trudging along - you're actually running! Yes, it is hard to breath but you can keep going. Don't stop running yet. Until you fall over, keep going."
Mean Sarah: "Why do you really think this is going to be any different than all the times before that you've tried to lose weight? You can run all you want, but the scale hasn't budged at all in the past few weeks and you're eating like a pig. Just face it - you'll be fat forever."
New Sarah: "Yes, I'm eating a lot. I definitely am too loose (band-wise) and I can eat things I shouldn't be eating, but I'm hungry - and I'm working for it. I just really need to think about whether or not I'm really hungry when I'm eating or if I'm doing it for other reasons."
Mean Sarah: "Who are you kidding? You'll just justify your eating because you're running, and while you might finish this race, you probably won't continue running and you'll just quit this like everything else before you've tried."
10 comments:
Your mean Sarah sounds like Jillian from the Biggest Loser! Flip side, motivation?? When is your next fill? can you call and schedule one soon? When everyone is socializing next week at night, you can go to the gym or try running on the beach..with no shoes! A great workout! I hope you have a great weekend.
Okay, let me set up straight in my office chair so I can type to you with some meaning.
First. You know that stuff Brooke was talking about to prevent chaffing? Body Glide? Well my boss is a speed walker and lately she has been getting blisters. A runner coworker brought her body glide and she used it on her heels the other day and she says its amazing. You might be able to use it on your tummy area also!
Second! Shut Mean Sarah up. She is just cranky bc there is so much less fat these days to feed her! Running is not going to be easy for us big girls at first...but pretty soon, you will not be a big girl at all. Keep it up! You are doing this!
Thanks Kathi & Amy... i guess maybe I am cranky b/c there isn't enough fat! But I want it that way... :-)
Mean Sarah sounds a lot like mean Colleen. I think we should get the two together and bid them farewell. You absolutely cannot be down on yourself right now, you are amazing!! You are doing this, really doing it! You got off your butt and continue to do so despite painful blisters and that my friend is dedication. I am truly inspired by you and am going to start training to run myself. I blogged about you today b/c of it!! Chin up, mean Sarah out, nothing but "just keep swimming" and "I think I can, I think I can" from now on!
Mean Sarah also sounds a lot like Lazy Catherine. She's the reason I need big marines to yell at me in order for me not to slack during my workout. I totally do that "I'll just walk this part" thing if I'm on my own.
You just need a fill, and you'll be back to feeling great. It's NORMAL that you're more hungry with all of the running you are doing. AND, it's wonderful that you're doing the running!! This time last year, could you have done that??
Tell Mean Sarah to zip it!! You are going to need to be strong at that conference. Try to make a food game plan for each day (look at menus, decide what to order when you aren't hungry). You don't have to be perfect -- but this will help you be more good than bad.
Anyway, you're human -- everyone goes through this stuff and the fact that you are taking the time to be introspective and figure it out tells me that you will be successful and that you will move past this phase on to a better one soon.
Hang in there!
Catherine
Ha - you're mean sarah is just me.... everyday.
Can't wait to see you in 22 days :)
I gotta say, I know just how you feel and I understand that fight between "good" me and "bad" me. I am only a month out... but I am constantly fighting the "I will fail" demon. Just know that you are an ispiration to me.. and you obviously can do this this time.... because look at what you have already done.
Sarah I need a fill as well and I am dealing with the same deamons in my head Ive been stuck at 204 for the past week now and I know its because the bad me says THAT LOOKS GOOD YOU CAN EAT THAT and I know Im not hungry but its sitting right in front of me and my head says im hungry but Im really not. Im calling my doctor and getting a fill as soon as they can get me one because my next one is not scheduled until November 12th. We all need to kick the mean person to the curb I get that way too and I dont know how to control it either sometimes I just go to spin class and work the meanie out of me LOL I LOVEEEE spin class. :o)
I hope you feel better and I would try to workout during the social times that you are not going to participate in like others have said.
Yeah I say get rid of mean Sarah! Kick her to the curb. you are awesome and fabulous and you need to constantly remind yourself to make mean sarah less and less visible.
GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!
Just kidding. But seriously, your conversation between Mean Sarah and New Sarah is like all of my conversations between present Brooke (MEAN and LAZY) and future Brooke (laidback and lovin' life and food in moderation).
I also love how the mean side starts off kind of reasonably. Like it's trying to help and then boom, it's got it's claws into you and you're self esteem is a quivering puddle on the floor.
God, great post. I related to every single thing. And as an outsider looking in who can't run at all: YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!
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