You know, the last week or so since getting below 200 for the first time EVER (okay - not ever, but in 20 years so it feels like ever!) has been a tough time. I've been really down, tired and hurting physically (lots of weird aches I can't figure out). I'm thinking though, that part of it is a bit of self-sabotage... you see, I have NO IDEA what it means to be under 200 pounds. Hence, possibly why I am back above it today?!? I'm not up much - I've definitely been playing the yo-yo game, but I seem to have made some pretty poor choices (wine, cake, ice cream, nacho chips and really not a whole lot of effort with my exercise) over the last week that have gotten me thinking about why. Conclusion? No clue. But, I do know that there is a part of me that is pretty scared to be getting to this next place with my weight. I have wanted for so long to be under 200 pounds, but now that I am here, I am hearing a whole lot of voices internally... "This isn't what 200 pounds is supposed to look like!" or "you have a hell of a long way to go!" or "Why don't these 16's (or 18's in some clothes) fit??? I should be in that size by now!"... wow. I honestly didn't have those voices when I was 277... I was pretty comfortable there. Not at all happy, but comfortable. All of the sudden, I am getting compliments and questions, and good wishes, and looks... and some interesting physical comments (all positive - and a few too many so...) And it is weirding me out a bit... I mean, I have NEVER thought of myself as someone others would find attractive. But maybe (?) I am now. I love that Dennis and Lucia love me, and I'm not talking about them... (does any of this make sense?!?!?)... It is just a very new, and kind of scary place to be, and one where I haven't been in a REALLY long time. I can't remember ever being there actually, because I have never been a woman at this weight. I was a girl last time. Different game now.
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At any rate, I am going to do my best to re-embrace my goal... more than anything of being healthy, but YES - to be below 200 pounds. I need to do some praying, thinking, just "being" with this new place, but I WANT to be there and do it proudly, not self-conciously... So, I have two big races coming up. An 8k this coming weekend, and a 10k the weekend following. And this 8k is the first time I am doing a race alone. That will be a good test for me I think... maybe just to really let myself succeed ALONE. I have such a great cheering squad in my friends, family, and you - time to really start cheering myself along and also re-acquaint myself with being held accountable! So, tomorrow is a new day. Here's to getting below 200 and staying there comfortably!!! And thanks to everyone for your comments, thoughts, and prayers over the last week! GAME ON... So, 199, get out of the way!
16 comments:
You are exactly what under 200 pounds looks like. Look at your before photo and see how far you have come. You will be in those 16's and then 14's in no time. Good luck in those runs!
Sounds like you have your very own Drazil. You can do this. It is scary. I saw 161.5 and self-sabotaged it back up and fell off the wagon so I know what you're saying...you can do this. I know you can.
Right now I am motivated to move further and further away from 200. I am trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Although I was tempted to take a little "break" from good eating and be naughty...but that woudl be counterproductive.
This is what I say. Take advantadge of the fact that the scale wants to move down (when you are a good girl). Both you and I were stuck for weeks, so behave during this time. Who in the hell knows what we are supposed to look like? Ya know?
Sarah - I completely hear you. The last time I lost 125 pounds I got to 186.5. I was there for about two hours, then proceeded to drink 6 beers at my friends wedding and the weight gain began. That will be the milestone number for me to get past. The way that I think about it this time is a bit different. I've made a change for life (instead of to be in a wedding), I'm doing this to stay alive for a long time. I've doing this to feel better about who I am, and I don't want to sabatoge that, no matter what my mind says, my heart is WAY too strong this time. I'm sending you many good thoughts. xoxo
Sarah, good luck with those races. I hope the fact that you're able to run them will help with the other questions you're wondering about. This is all a big life change, in a lot of different and unexpected ways. It's totally understandable that every once in a while you'd step back and say, "Wait, what's going on here?" And then you'll adjust and keep losing. You know what Dory says in Finding Nemo: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
I understand what you are saying about all of a sudden you are attracting all this attention and it scares you.
When we are heavy, no one pays attention to us and all of a sudden, mere acquintences are probably saying positive things and it makes you scared. It probably makes you feel more accountable that now a lot of eyes are watching and you don't want to screw up.
You have come so far Sarah, do what you have been doing...take a deep breath and move forward!
I am a self sabotage-er too. And I feel those anxieties as I get closer to 200. I won't discus the chocolate chip cookies I made yesterday (why?).
I love your current picture - you look wonderful. Good luck on you races, hopefully having on the horizon will keep you on track.
I can't imagine what it will be like when I am permanently below 200 lb - yet there is a pretty good chance I will see that this year...sometimes I am scared I will be a different person. Who will I be? Will I be as empathic a person? Will I become more selfish? Will I not make as much effort to be interesting and funny because I don't feel apologetic for my size? Scary scary stuff! If you can manage it, maybe some counseling? I'm going to start looking, but my health insurance doesn't have a mental health benefit.
Wow, Sarah
This post could have written by me. I too have been self-sabotaging. I am SO damn close to hitting 79. something and yet - I blow it time and time again. I hit 80. something and something goes off in my head.. (this equates to about 176 pounds... the pounds don't mean as much to me cos we work in kilos lol.) But why do we do this to ourselves.
We need to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow so we can be all we were meant to be. You can do it too, girl. You've come SO far - just push that little bit more. (Good advice for myself too!! I do think I need a fill though.) I was able to eat a toasted half turkish roll filled with ham, cheese and asparagus last night!! Who does that? ack!!
Sometimes the physical aspect of losing weight is hard to wrap your mind around. Hopefully you'll feel how much easier it is to run your races at under 200 lbs than before and will help you feel the health side of being thinner. It's hard to emphathize with the challenges of being under 200 when I'd give my right arm to be there, but I'm sure my time will come when I'll have to "deal" with my mindset about being thinner.
Please be proud of this fabulous accomplishment you've made - you've come so far and you will continue to succeed and settle into your changing body. It takes some time but be proud and embrace the changes.
I relate to a lot of what you've said here, too, as I feel I've been fighting for a while to get down to Onederland, but keep sabotaging it. I don't think I'm sabotaging it due to fear of losing weight, but I'm just being weak and losing dedication. But as for not knowing "what it means to be under 200 pounds" - I don't know how to dress anymore, I don't know what my body looks like, I don't know where to shop for clothes, I don't know what my body will look like if I continue to lose weight, and I also attracted a lot more male attention than I'm used to when I was out the other night. Things about myself that were valuable as a heavier person (who knew her own weight) - well, I'm not so valuable that way anymore, and yet I don't know my values and abilities as a thinner person yet. I want to be thinner but I don't know how to live as a thinner person.
Good luck with your upcoming races. You're just figuring out what it means to live in onederland, give yourself some time and be proud of all that you've accomplished.
Being under 200 pounds is probably my biggest goal. More so than my goal weight. I haven't been under that number in almost a decade and I have no idea how I'll feel once I get there. Although I've still got a ways to go before I hit onederland I often think about how I'll react once I get there. I've wished for it/wanted it for so long, but there's always been a part of me that didn't think it possible. Now that I'm working towards that goal, making what was impossible for me possible, it's overwhelming at times and I'm working through it.
You're doing incredibly well and will continue to do so.
Take care.
Hey Sarah,
Just wanted to let you know I just saw your comment wanting to join the challenge- Of course you can!! I just added your name to the list, and will re-post the rules as we get closer to the start date!
Totally! I think many can relate. It's hard to stop thinking like a fat girl. You can do it! You have done amazing so far!
This comment is coming late but just had to echo what others have said. It seems most of the bandsters struggle with those same issues when they hit onederland...it's like the land of sudden self-dobut. The good news? They all seem to get past it!
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